Darrell Williams, a forty five year old, 300 pound man has found himself very upset lately. “No one wants to hang around me anymore,” he said on Tuesday night over a bowl of foul smelling green liquid. The smelly substance filled Williams’ trailer and permeated his clothes and hair. His sweat had taken on a disgusting, foul odor.

In an attempt to lose weight and live a healthier lifestyle, Williams has embraced an extremely unpopular cabbage soup diet. The diet consists of green and red cabbage, boiled in purified water for four to six hours. This chunky, brothy stew is then eaten seven ounces at a time at intervals of forty five minutes or so. Williams, who had substituted tap water for purified water, describes the concoction as “barely edible” at first, with a “nastiness that just sort of grows on you. Really, it’s not as bad as you think.”

Darrell Williams claims to have a circle of about thirteen close friends but quickly rattled off names of the characters on Buffy the Vampire Slayer when asked to identify those friends. Williams claims to have a steady girlfriend for the last three years, but her picture looked unmistakingly a lot like a poster of Jennifer Garner, and she also has not been heard from in some time now. After starting his diet six weeks ago, Williams said his friends and girlfriend quickly found themselves unable to tolerate his terrible odor. Going out anywhere became an issue due to the fact that every forty five minutes Williams was opening a thermos full of cabbage water and carefully measuring out portions. “We got kicked out of the movie theater” says Williams.

While she could not speak to its appetite suppressing qualities, Dr. Guadalor warns that consuming excessive amounts of cabbage works as a powerful anti-psychotic. Dr. Guadalor went on to say that if Williams is suffering from schizophrenia or bipolar disorder then the cabbage could be acting as an effective medication, explaining why Williams no longer sees his imaginary friends. Guadalor went on to add that consuming vast amounts cabbage is frequently advised for schizophrenics but most soon switch to prescription medication. After all, cabbage, says Dr. Guadalor, has earned its reputation and is quite well known to “make you stinky as all hell.”

Williams reported that he would continue on his diet, despite its negative impact on his social life, saying, “Well, I have lost two pounds.” It is the best he’s done in his twelve years of experiencing fad diets. “I’ll continue to wait for my girlfriend and friends to come back,” he said.

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